A nightmare woke me. I have them rarely at this point in my life (thank goodness.) But this horrid dream was with me, lingering. I felt myself at odds, disrupted, not wanting to sleep, afraid I would reinhabit that world.
Rattled I could think of nothing to do, so I sat and watched the chaos of my mind.
How hard it is at times to find this simple moment. I get completely pulled into all the important contents. I think of Sharon who wrote asking me to blog more frequently and realize with slight panic that I didn't reply back after asking how she was doing. My heart fills when I think of a client who is in a disastrous situation with colleagues at work, I think of the husband of a couple I work with who is struggling with whether to leave his relationship. Tears flow as I digest their stories, holding their struggle with them, knowing there is nothing to do but to be with them.
My mind begins to unclutter as I allowing each thought, each person, each heart filled moment to pass through. As I acknowledge the presence of each moment I return, softly, finally able to grab hold of the thread of my breath as the moments and experiences of a full life metabolize.
For a fragment of a moment I release the grip of my mind and clarity illuminates so gloriously I struggle to receive it - and it recedes. I am aware, once again, of how my meaning making mind lays yet another filter on this moment, this simple precious moment of being.
This is what I want. Nothing compares to this utterly uncomplicated longing to find what's there between each to-do, each filled moment of life. This is what I want - to connect with this brilliant emptiness.
3 comments:
thank you for blogging more frequently. i do not usually comment but i do check the blog and find it helpful to read.
thanks,
michele
Deidre,
I meditate everyday, but I do not get positive thoughts about myself. It has always been a struggle to feel good about me no matter how much I accomplished.
I am trying to stop this, by telling myself my good qualities when the negative self talk starts.
When I meditate, I want to get the warm encourage that you were talking about first thing in the morning.
Any suggestions,
Margie
Deirdre~
I so luved the piece about our capcity to change. I'm stuck in old patterns but believe what you say is true: new nueropathways can take root so long as we practice. In some ways I'm ready; otherways not. But one small step is to (re)comit to daily sitting practice for 20 mins. I know the ideal is to sit same time each day so I aspire to that goal but if I'm not able to make time for it in the morning, I resolve do it even if b4bed (like last night!). Not with a hammer over my head beating me into the new habit; just a softness and a remembering of the benefits (albeit sometimes painful) when I do.
I also enjoyed reading, "This Precious Moment". It's really inspirig how you described being interogated by thoughts but then were able to call in the breath as a stabilizing force, at which point the crowded mind of thoghts just passed thru. And you were able to experience the peace of emptiness. This is a great reminder that I am not my thoughts; they're simply one form of energy and once I remember this Truth, I get to choose to believe in them; or not.
Choosing to not beleive in the majority of thoughts that enter my mind is most helpful to me at this point. What also works (put another way) is that I'm powerless over the first thought (cuz that's what the mind does ie,'thinking'), but once awareness comes, I have choice in the next thought. I think that's what the Buddha said when he spoke of 'cultivating productive mindstates' and 'discouraging unproductive mindstates'.
Thanks for inspiring me to reflect on these ideas further:)
Post a Comment